What a Stepmom Goes Through, Often in Silence

Today, I want to take a moment to hold space for the complex, ‘behind the scenes’ experience of being a stepmom.

I don’t know any young girl who dreams of being a stepmom when she grows up. Some dream of becoming a mom, but no one dreams about becoming a stepmom. On top of that, you don’t wake up one day and just become a stepmom. It happens slowly. It starts with falling in love with someone who already has children, whether you have your own or not. You say yes to love, and in doing so, you also say yes to a role that comes with no clear roadmap, is undefined and often has conflicting expectations, stigma, and quite possibly an ex who would rather you weren’t in the picture.

Being a stepmom is choosing to love children who are not your own and who may not have chosen you. It’s investing emotionally in an already formed family that has changed, but that has a history and traditions. It’s navigating the fine balance between parenting and respecting boundaries. It’s constantly asking: Am I doing too much? Too little? Should I be doing something different? Am I doing the right things? 

Here’s what many stepmoms go through—but rarely share for fear of judgment, or being told ‘you knew what you were getting into’:

1. Walking on a Tightrope of Expectations 

There’s this unspoken pressure to be nurturing, but not overbearing; involved, but not too involved or ‘overstepping;’ loving but not too loving; treat them like your own but remember they aren’t your own, they have a mom and it isn’t you. I always find it interesting that many people assume a stepmom wants to replace the kids bio mom when I have never met a stepmom who has any desire to ‘replace’ the kids mom.  As a stepmom do you often feel like you live in a space between “too much” and “not enough?” The rules of what is ‘acceptable’ can change by the day, or multiple times throughout the day—and they’re often written by other people. 

2. Loving in the Background 

As a stepmom you may love deeply, or you may hold back and love at a distance. That love may not always be returned. It may be ignored. It may be met with resistance. Sometimes, you can see the conflict in your step kids who love you, but may feel they are being disloyal to their mom. But, you continue showing up: to soccer games, parent-teacher nights, birthday parties, award ceremonies, and bedtime routines with an open heart and quiet strength, even when you’re exhausted.

3. Holding Space for Everyone’s Emotions (Including Your Own) 

There’s grief involved—for everyone. The children may grieve their old family dynamic, which is completely understandable. The biological mom and your husband may grieve not being with the children every day, their shifting roles, past mistakes, and the old family dynamic. You, the stepmom? You’re often expected to absorb and support all of that... while quietly processing your own emotions that come up, but often don’t have anyone to talk to about them.

4. Building Something from the Middle 

As a stepmom you enter into lives that already have a shared history, routines, traditions, inside secrets and stories. You try to carefully step in and lovingly and respectfully enter into your husband’s life and the lives of the children he loves, and someone he loved and had a life with before you. It’s not easy. It takes time, patience, and thick skin, even in the best of circumstances where both parents are communicating and working together in the best interest of the children. Your very existence can create problems before anyone other than your husband meets you which can make your introduction and integration into the children’s lives more challenging. . 

5. The Wins Are Often Small but Meaningful 

A spontaneous hug. A shared laugh. A moment of trust. Asking for your help or opinion. These are the victories. They’re usually not big things, but small, everyday interactions that others take for granted. They mean the world to you when you have been working to create connection.

To Every Stepmom Reading This: 

You are doing something that matters, no matter what anyone says. You’re showing up, loving without guarantees, and creating a connection with children you hope you can have a positive impact on. You might not hear “thank you” often, or ever. But your presence matters, your consistency matters, you are not invisible. Stepmom, which of these resonates with you the most, or is there one I didn't list that you struggle with?

With love and deep respect,

Amy